Even though today is officially Halloween – a day where everyone is allowed to dress like a devilish ghoul and stick two fingers up at God, the occasion has already past. Unless you work in a wacky office environment, they’ll be no badly hung up Halloween decorations.
Halloween was unofficially shifted to Saturday 29th October where people gathered for no reason to get drunk or go trick or treating. Up and down the country, people decided to go as a “zombie” nurse/teacher/burger flipper by simply adding fake blood to clothes they own. Minimal effort required.
Subsequently, Halloween decorations will have already been ripped down and pumpkin lanterns have started decaying. Now we need a new festive occasion to get worked up about and as usual, Christmas has stepped up to the plate. Sadly, that looks to be dead before it has even got going as pop midget Justin Bieber is releasing an album of his take on “classic” Christmas songs.
If you can record a successful Christmas song, then as a musician your career can effectively falter forever as you’ll always have a Christmas hit to fall back on. Just look at Slade and The Pogues as examples of bands who can make a decent earning from the songs royalties as the tracks are relentlessly played on TV & radio and annoyingly into the New Year.
Because Justin Bieber isn’t at all talented, he didn’t lock himself away in his bedroom, writing and recording a whole new generation of Christmas songs.
Just like other high profile bone-idle bastards in his position, he just lazily picked a selection of established Christmas tunes and put his own stupid slant on them.
We all know “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” so how does Bieber’s version fair? Well:
Immediately, we pick tones of sexism with the opening lyric “Santa’s coming girl.” Why isn’t he coming to see the boys? Is St Nick now not giving out presents based on whose naughty and nice but getting each gender to prove themselves to him?
Confusingly, we’re not even sure what happened to Bieber’s voice. The album is called “Under the Mistletoe” though it should have really been named “The Album Where Justin Bieber’s Balls Seem To Have Dropped.”
Somewhere, a record label boss worked out that; Justin Bieber + Christmas x a load of deluded fans who lap up his music like slobbering wolves = A successful release that’ll bring home the bacon.
Have a listen to the album on YouTube. It really is incredibly miserable and soul-destroying. In many respects, the most Christmas release to date.
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Source: Hecklerspray Justin Bieber
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