Readers’ Letters: “This Ignorant Little Twit’s Opinion Doesn’t Matter” Or “A Cacophony Of Verbose Morons”

Every week it’s the same, nothing ever really changes. We come into the hecklerspray bedsit on a Monday morning, having been released to poison the outside world over the weekend, and find the same stinking pizza boxes, the same drained bottles of methylated spirits and the same greasy, ignominious faces staring at us across the room.

Our ‘colleagues’ as we laughingly refer to them are actually lawyers who, down on their luck after losing a Tax Evasion case, have rented out the far corner of the bedsit which is sometimes known as “The Fred West Wing”. They look ill. Lawyers always look ill.

Perhaps it’s the smell which is putting them off their writs. The festering stench of the opposite corner, marked out by a laminated card which- in odious Comic Sans- reads “POST”. It’s enough to make anyone sick to their stomach.

Of course, it’s not just the hideous odour of your letters that can make people sick to their stomach; sometimes we are responsible for sucking all the good humour out of a given situation. This week it was the turn of Robert Pattinson to feel our tepid wrath when we had a laugh at him for stating the bleeding obvious.

Why is it that some of you writer’s feel it’s ok to be mean and stupid about Robert Pattinson? He’s a nice guy and he’s a good actor, but you would rather corrupt us fans with lies and Bad stuff, will let me ask you this, who makes more money? who has more fan’s? not you that’s for sure, bye.

Whoa there Guene! Let’s not be so final here! Bye? Before we’ve even had a chance to retort? That’s like asking a barbed question in the House Of Commons and running away before the Prime Minister can give an answer. Yes… in this analogy, we’re the Prime Minister and you’re some git MP from out in the sticks. The only appropriate response is this: it’s not about the money. It’s about how cripplingly dull you come across in the media.

Which Pattinson wins hands down. Of course, it’s easy to see why you’d ignore his spine-shuddering mundanity when he’s… just… so… attractive. Look at his broody reptile eyes and his pasty-white, alabaster skin. It’s not just us that wants to lay him down among a field of corn either. Happy Sue wants to break off a piece of R-Pattz too:

Since all these millions of girls and women are crazy about Rob, whats your problem? Does it make any sense you run him down when we all adore him? You must be a man and don’t have any idea what women like. Maybe you should check on the Twilight Saga, do you read? See what women do like. Love them…

Do… you… read? Do you- and we’re picking on this for comic effect- read? Read it back, readers. Here’s Happy Sue hoisting the bloated corpse of the Twilight Saga up onto an imposing pedestal made out of faeces and pulped Dan Brown novels. If the Twilight Saga is indicative of what women like then all women must be necrophiliacs who have a sideline in bestiality.

All women are not like that. Some women, like Happy Sue, are. Pam on the other hand is on to us!

Come on, we all know this ignorant little twit’s opinion doesn’t matter. He has to justify his paycheck with this drivel.

Thanks to our self-aggrandising style, many of you may be sitting in front of your computers nodding along with her rousing call to arms. Who cares about hecklerspray’s opinion?! Those guys are nasty! Booooooo. Down with hecklerspray! To those people we suggest 20 minutes of vigorous sexual activity a paper shredder and those feelings will go away forever.

It’s Been Something Of A Stereotypical Week For Your Defective Correspondence. We’ve Gone From Robert Pattinson/Twihards To Idiots Who Type Like Their Entire Point Is A Title. Like Malinda here, who is apoplectic at our suggestion that Biebergeddon might finally be upon us

Okay Now, Look Ya Dumb B*tches!
This Is Ridicouls Bieber Is Amazing And People Love Him, Your Just Freaking Jealous. LOL! There’s No Way The WorldIs Gonna Go All Out Because Of Him, I Mean Yes, He’s Amazing And Wonderfull Gorgeous And Talented. But He’s Not Going Anywhere And Niether Are We!!! Beliebers Forever. And If YOU Have A Problem With It, Well Go Tell It To Someone Who Cares, Like Your Lonley Fat *ss Mom Who Has 3o Cats!

Thanks Malinda (:

Aww, isn’t that nice? He’s amazing, wonderful, talented and gorgeous but not quite amazing, wonderful, talented or gorgeous enough for people to start literally spontaneously combusting in front of our very eyes. What a shock. Then, of course, no-one cares about what we have to say. Remember the advice we gave you about a paper shredder? That.

Still, some of you got in touch to reveal some tragic personal details about yourselves. Like Sarah, who was delighted to see The Tumblr Trawler sink away into the briny depths, killing all hands:

Yay! Yes I am a sad individual. I’m ok with it though.

 So say we all!

Until next week, you sad, pathetic, excuses for human beings. Go and enjoy your 30 cats.

Source: Hecklerspray Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber Just Doesn’t Understand The World

Pint Sized Canadian Pop Prince, Justin Bieber, really is the gift that just keeps on giving.

Fresh from “definitely” fathering a love child in a sweaty 30-second romp with a woman whose testimony is as reliable as that of Dr. Conrad Murray, Bieber has decided to, once again, showcase how empty the space between his ears is on national television.

Bieber’s lack of geographical knowledge was previously showcased on television in New Zealand, when he admitted, in a somewhat uncomfortable and borderline racist moment, that they don’t have the word German in America.

But now he’s taken his ignorance to the next level, by going on the David Letterman show and failing to be able to name all 7 of the Earth’s continents.

Justin had stated to Letterman that he believed he had performed on every continent, only to have the late night legend challenge him to name the continents he has performed on.

Asia, North America, South America. Boom, Bieber was almost half way there, but after that strong start he began to struggle. After a few seconds he pulled Africa out of the bag and quickly followed it up with Antarctica.

But that’s where the knowledge train de-railed and Bieber began to clutch at straws. His next 2 answers were The North Pole and Canada, neither of which are actually continents, just in case you didn’t already know.

Thanks to a little prompting by Letterman, Bieber was able to just about struggle his way to the end of the list, although he did refer to Oceana/Australasia as just Australia, so even after being handed the answers he still managed to get it wrong, Letterman obviously overlooked this glaring error in order to keep the show moving, otherwise he’d have been there all week. Pedantic? Us? Never.

We’ve included the video of the bumbling Bieber’s inability to name the 7 continents below, so you too can sit there and shout at him for being so thick.

Let’s just hope Justin isn’t asked to name the children he’s sired on each contient!

Source: Hecklerspray Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber Wants His Child Fans To Know That Father Christmas Doesn’t Exist

Hey! Justin Bieber fans! Beliebers! Are you looking forward to Christmas? Are you? Have you been good this year? Are you hoping Father Christmas brings you Justin’s Christmas album to you on Christmas Day?

He won’t. He definitely won’t. Not a rat-in-an-arse’s chance kiddo!

That’s because Santa isn’t real. Yep. Big shock to us too. Who spoiled every Christmas, forever? Why, if it isn’t Bieber himself, who wants us all to know that the Yuletide period is one long sham. How appalling. Apparently, it’s all his stupid mother’s fault.

See, JB has revealed that he wasn’t ever given the chance to believe in Santa Claus as a child.

During an interview with Aol Music, Bieber says:

“My mom always told me there wasn’t a Santa.That was her logic: She thought if I grew up knowing about Santa then finding out he wasn’t real, that it would be like she was lying to me”.

Just wait ’til Bieber finds out that everyone’s been lying to him about the birth of Baby Jesus as well. He’ll be uncontrollable with rage!

Talking about his mother being a lousy parent, he said he didn’t spoil Christmas for everyone else:

“I didn’t tell my friends or ruin it for anyone – I was a good kid!”

Until now. Now you’ve told everyone you glurping twonk. Seriously. Someone oughta sock you in the mouth this Christmas for that.

All your pre-teen fans are officially jaded now. (Which is kinda good – keep up the stupid work Biebz!)

Source: Hecklerspray Justin Bieber