Readers’ Letters: “This Ignorant Little Twit’s Opinion Doesn’t Matter” Or “A Cacophony Of Verbose Morons”

Every week it’s the same, nothing ever really changes. We come into the hecklerspray bedsit on a Monday morning, having been released to poison the outside world over the weekend, and find the same stinking pizza boxes, the same drained bottles of methylated spirits and the same greasy, ignominious faces staring at us across the room.

Our ‘colleagues’ as we laughingly refer to them are actually lawyers who, down on their luck after losing a Tax Evasion case, have rented out the far corner of the bedsit which is sometimes known as “The Fred West Wing”. They look ill. Lawyers always look ill.

Perhaps it’s the smell which is putting them off their writs. The festering stench of the opposite corner, marked out by a laminated card which- in odious Comic Sans- reads “POST”. It’s enough to make anyone sick to their stomach.

Of course, it’s not just the hideous odour of your letters that can make people sick to their stomach; sometimes we are responsible for sucking all the good humour out of a given situation. This week it was the turn of Robert Pattinson to feel our tepid wrath when we had a laugh at him for stating the bleeding obvious.

Why is it that some of you writer’s feel it’s ok to be mean and stupid about Robert Pattinson? He’s a nice guy and he’s a good actor, but you would rather corrupt us fans with lies and Bad stuff, will let me ask you this, who makes more money? who has more fan’s? not you that’s for sure, bye.

Whoa there Guene! Let’s not be so final here! Bye? Before we’ve even had a chance to retort? That’s like asking a barbed question in the House Of Commons and running away before the Prime Minister can give an answer. Yes… in this analogy, we’re the Prime Minister and you’re some git MP from out in the sticks. The only appropriate response is this: it’s not about the money. It’s about how cripplingly dull you come across in the media.

Which Pattinson wins hands down. Of course, it’s easy to see why you’d ignore his spine-shuddering mundanity when he’s… just… so… attractive. Look at his broody reptile eyes and his pasty-white, alabaster skin. It’s not just us that wants to lay him down among a field of corn either. Happy Sue wants to break off a piece of R-Pattz too:

Since all these millions of girls and women are crazy about Rob, whats your problem? Does it make any sense you run him down when we all adore him? You must be a man and don’t have any idea what women like. Maybe you should check on the Twilight Saga, do you read? See what women do like. Love them…

Do… you… read? Do you- and we’re picking on this for comic effect- read? Read it back, readers. Here’s Happy Sue hoisting the bloated corpse of the Twilight Saga up onto an imposing pedestal made out of faeces and pulped Dan Brown novels. If the Twilight Saga is indicative of what women like then all women must be necrophiliacs who have a sideline in bestiality.

All women are not like that. Some women, like Happy Sue, are. Pam on the other hand is on to us!

Come on, we all know this ignorant little twit’s opinion doesn’t matter. He has to justify his paycheck with this drivel.

Thanks to our self-aggrandising style, many of you may be sitting in front of your computers nodding along with her rousing call to arms. Who cares about hecklerspray’s opinion?! Those guys are nasty! Booooooo. Down with hecklerspray! To those people we suggest 20 minutes of vigorous sexual activity a paper shredder and those feelings will go away forever.

It’s Been Something Of A Stereotypical Week For Your Defective Correspondence. We’ve Gone From Robert Pattinson/Twihards To Idiots Who Type Like Their Entire Point Is A Title. Like Malinda here, who is apoplectic at our suggestion that Biebergeddon might finally be upon us

Okay Now, Look Ya Dumb B*tches!
This Is Ridicouls Bieber Is Amazing And People Love Him, Your Just Freaking Jealous. LOL! There’s No Way The WorldIs Gonna Go All Out Because Of Him, I Mean Yes, He’s Amazing And Wonderfull Gorgeous And Talented. But He’s Not Going Anywhere And Niether Are We!!! Beliebers Forever. And If YOU Have A Problem With It, Well Go Tell It To Someone Who Cares, Like Your Lonley Fat *ss Mom Who Has 3o Cats!

Thanks Malinda (:

Aww, isn’t that nice? He’s amazing, wonderful, talented and gorgeous but not quite amazing, wonderful, talented or gorgeous enough for people to start literally spontaneously combusting in front of our very eyes. What a shock. Then, of course, no-one cares about what we have to say. Remember the advice we gave you about a paper shredder? That.

Still, some of you got in touch to reveal some tragic personal details about yourselves. Like Sarah, who was delighted to see The Tumblr Trawler sink away into the briny depths, killing all hands:

Yay! Yes I am a sad individual. I’m ok with it though.

 So say we all!

Until next week, you sad, pathetic, excuses for human beings. Go and enjoy your 30 cats.

Source: Hecklerspray Justin Bieber

Readers’ Letters: “THIS IS MEANT TO BE A WEBSITE?!” Or “How To Make Friends With Morons”

It’s Friday and the hecklerspray bedsit has breathed a collective sigh of relief as they’re allowed out into the world to live among functioning humans for a couple of days. Unfortunately, I’m still here as there are Readers’ Letters to be analysed. Still, it’s nice to have a bit of peace and quiet to work. No Mof Gimmers shouting about codpieces, no Sophie Hall shouting at Kris Wood for making a reclining chair out of sausage and no Euan L Davidson, breathing heavily in my ear.

Yes folks, Fridays are the nicest time to be in the bedsit. It’s easier to sit in “the clean chair” and the stale stench of discarded cigarettes and methylated spirits is beginning to lift. Unfortunately, that means that the foetid stench of the hecklerspray post bag is coming through loud and clear.

It stings the nostrils.

This week has seen some of our most preposterous correspondence to date. Even long-forgotten artists of yesteryear are getting a mention from the lobotomised dingbats that frequently troll their way through the site. What, you don’t believe me?

How about Justine Clark who got in touch to, and I’m not making this up, offer an opinion on Daniel Bedingfield, the artistic equivalent of a beige dining room:

You talk absolute crap re: Daniel Bedingfield in my opinion. His CD Gotta Get Thru This is totally amazing as far as I’m concerned. This is why art is so wonderful and the media is so crucifying. You annoy me immensly and if only you were that spider you so lovingly spoke about.

Art is wonderful, of course. Daniel Bedingfield’s artistic craft and vision is outmatched only by his sister, Thingy Bedingfield. Of course, it’s not just music that’s an art form.

Some people believe television is art, a sensory waltz for the pleasure of your eyes. That’s probably why people react so well to the colourful dribblings of the Tellytubbies or their grown-up version, Noel Fielding’s Luxury Comedy:

I can see why some people really wouldn’t enjoy this show. But personally, I thought it was brilliant. Haha. I adore Noel Fielding and his work, I always have. But what saddens me is that this show has been getting so many negative reviews.
What people need to really understand is that this show is NOT The Mighty Boosh. It never will be. Julian Barratt DOESN’T need to be in this show, because that would basically make it The Mighty Boosh.
Noel can be independent. Let him. Give the show a chance, guys. You’ve only seen one episode. Noel worked quite hard on it.

There we go folks. Artistic vision is not based on the worth or the quality of the finished piece, it’s based on how hard you work. We should have given Luxury Comedy more of a chance, of course. It was wrong of us to judge it on the strength of just one episode and we realise now that next week’s instalment of Carpet Badger’s Woodland Rainbow Experience will likely be one that pushes it into an entirely new realm of comedic existence.

Or it will continue to be pervasively shite for the rest of its run.

On the bright side at least, he’s not Brad Pitt who, according to this five year old article has a tiny penis. Mind you, that’s according to Juliette Lewis who doesn’t seem to have brilliant depth perception. Luckily, Brad has the world’s slowest rapid-response unit to stick up for his pecker.

A woman is more than acunt and a man is more thanacock. This is a very small woman with a need to talk down to a man she hates to admire. Bradly Pitt is a very BIG man where it counts most to be big. He has a big heart, a big bank account and lots of kids with very BIG love for their dad. Also, Brad’s wife respects him which places them both as close to Hollywoody as the planet Mars. Its a real tribute for them to come off as martians in Hollywood where no human thing lasts for long no matter what its size. And another thing about size… In Hollywood the size of a THING is closest to the hearts of men, only a man who loves women would care less about who is unimpressed with the size ofhisSHOE. Pisson HayawathaKuntababe who coulda shoulda woulda but wasn’t anything at all.

Decipher the nonsensical crap and that’s quite a pleasant comment. Men and women shouldn’t be judged on things that they can’t help. Although, not everyone shares the same opinion of people. Remember homophobic git-drip Diane Richardson from last week’s Readers’ Letters? Well, this week she’s back with one of the most sexually menacing comments we’ve ever had:

I am not a moron, i can lay on my bed and put a 14? dildo into my anus until its disappeared and you wont even see a flinch in my eye, can either of you to dipshits do that, the answer is NO !!
What planet are you guys living on, everyone knows that the deeper you can put something into your ass, the smarter you are, so you had better straighten up because i am obviously far superior to either of you.
As for you JOANNA, you probably couldnt even get your pinkie finger in your ass, thats how dumb you are…………Retard !!

Make sure you don’t puncture any vital organs while you’re doing that, Diane. Of course, the insertion of floppy, phallic objects into oneself is high on the agenda of one Paris Jackson, daughter of Michael. She’s pre-destined to have really kinky, unprotected sex with Justin Bieber, according to God. Naturally, the whine of pernicious cunts that call themselves Michael Jackson fans are furious about this biblical necessity:

Whoever wrote this article is a fucking dickhead! You have no respect for anyone whatsoever. Maybe your just jealous coz no one gives you the sex-eye you fuckwit. Excuse my language but you deserve it doochebag. RIP MJ. We love you man. I wish Paris the best in life. Not so much of a fan of Beiber but..whatever.

We also wish Paris the best in life. Perhaps she’ll have a child out of wedlock with young Bieber and it can grow up to be the second coming of Christ, given the religious following that both precocious brats have. Still, at least that was polite compared to DharmaRepublic’s effort, who decided to call us Nazis:

THIS IS MEANT TO A WEBSITE?..news?..entertainment??..or is it the Nazi guide to news….from a Christian perspective?

lol..

GROWN UP GOSSIP…lmAOooOOoo,….hahah

some people REALLY DO DELUDE THEMSELVES DONT THEY….like the creators of such errr…..Site .

This is definitely a website. The fact that it can be read on the internet should be the first clue. Of course, the Nazi guide to news wouldn’t have a Christian perspective, as such but given that DharmaRepublic laughs at their own “jokes” using the term “lmAOooOOoo”, it’s hardly surprising to see them not understanding that.

On the bright side, at least they’re not threatening us with physical violence. Unlike the inimitable Stefani, who was so upset about the Michael Jackson Glee episode that she threatened us with actual bodily harm.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS FUCK ARTICLE ABOUT? STUPID ASSFUCKER IMMA KILL AND SMASH YO ASS AND EAT IT!

Given that the charming Stefani seems to believe that ‘assfucker’ is a biting insult, we’re surprised to see that she would be absolutely fine with eating the anus of our writer. Then again, Michael Jackson fans will do anything to imitate their spiritual leader Uri Geller.

That’s it for this week, folks. We hope you’ve enjoyed this sickening display of fatuousness and we’ll leave you with this:

I think this is a real great blog. Keep writing.

Just kidding, we’ll actually leave you with this:

Fuck you – you little tick terd. You’re a shithead like your buddy Stuart.

‘Til next week, you piss-stains.

Source: Hecklerspray Justin Bieber