Selena Gomez Will Probably Die As God Wants Prophet To Slay Her

If you know anything about Selena Gomez – which you don’t because you’re old, infirm and unwilling to keep up with popular culture that lies outside of being old enough to be enjoyed ironically and post-modernly – you’ll know two things about her.

The first is that she’s the beau of singing uterus lining, Justin Bieber. The second is that she’s had more death threats than hot dinners.

However, she’s now received a death-threat that needs to be taken seriously, which means that there’s a very real possibility that she could die. And what, she’s 8 years old or something. Wow. Infanticide. Cheery.

According to grief manufacturers TMZ, Gomez is said to be in “extreme fear”. No, not because she has to sleep with one eye open for fear of Bieber foisting his little hairless member upon her while she sleeps, but rather, because of this death threat.

So bad (well, ‘good’) is the threat that she’s had to obtained a restraining order against 46 year old Thomas Brodnicki. He’s a man with previous. He loves a good stalk.

What he likes more is God talking to him in his broken mind. God apparently ordered him to kill her. Imagine that! God being a needlessly spiteful shite ordering some nutjob to slay anyone who believes in false idols.

JUST IMAGINE.

Brodnicki claims to have travelled from Chicago to Los Angeles to meet her and “visited her workplace at least three times”, according to declarations made in court documents from Selena and her lawyer Blair Berk.

The LAPD are said to be treating the case “extremely seriously” because of Thomas’ history of stalking. And there’s the small matter that he also wanted to “scratch people’s eyes out on the street”.

He’s sounds alright to us. Basically, he’s being talked to by God and is a religious man, so who are we to disagree with his actions and motives, right?

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Source: Hecklerspray Justin Bieber