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(Fresh 102.7)
After slamming Christina Aguilera as a “total b***h” last week, British boy band The Wanted are now gossiping about another pop icon, Britney Spears.
The group appeared on New York’s Fresh 102.7 on Monday, and dished about their experience opening for Spears in Manchester, England last fall.
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Tom Parker, the band mate who bashed Aguilera, told the radio show, “We signed a confidentiality thing that we should never say anything about what happened, but let’s tell it anyway.”
Band member Siva Kaneswaran recounted, ”I was in the hallway with me tour manager. Basically we were looking with a laptop, trying to get Wi-Fi… facing the middle of the hallway. [Britney's] bouncers came down with her and told us to face the wall.”
“As Miss Spears is walking through,” added Parker. “We’re like, come on!”
Kaneswaran continued, “We turned around and I faced a wall for about 10 seconds until she got really far away.”
Fellow member Jay McGuiness then jumped in to clarify that it was Spears’ security, not the singer herself, that was over-the-top.
He said, “Honestly, when we actually met her person to person, she was so down-to-earth. You can tell she’s a total southern girl.”
The Wanted also discussed opening for Justin Bieber, with McGuiness telling the host, “He punched Siva in the balls.”
“He gave Siva a jab to the left testicle,” elaborated another member.
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Reports so far are sketchy but it is thought that the exact demographic affected is girls & boys between the ages of 11 & 17. Parents are being advised to keep their children away from the internet for the foreseeable future to limit the risk of catastrophic explosion.
Experts have warning that if the spread of these fiery paroxysms isn’t stemmed immediately, it could lead to a cataclysmic chain reaction that could- if predictions are accurate- wipe out all human life on the planet, leaving Earth in the paws of Dormice.
Epidemiologists are hard at work trying to establish the root cause of the problem but rumours circulating on the internet suggest this may be the beginning of a phenomenon known as “Biebergeddon“- the destruction of life as we know it, directly proportional to the actions of Canadian pop singer Justin Bieber.
The exact “flash point” of this mysterious outbreak is unknown but our exclusive hecklerspray source has suggested that it relates to a crossover in fandoms between former Ellen Degeneres lookalike Bieber and UK boy band The Wanted. It is thought that Bieber’s acknowledgement of The Wanted on Twitter has sparked this epidemic of spontaneous combustion which is currently spreading across Britain and the United States of America, with many more countries likely to fall within the next two to three hours.
The offending tweet is reproduced below. It has been censored in case any teenagers happen upon it. Should any responsible adults wish to see the full tweet, an unedited version is available by clicking on the image.
Suggestions that the condition was exacerbated by Wanted member Tom Parker‘s response, suggesting that the two acts might actually be “bros” and therefore, in the modern vernacular, “friends”. This is allegedly responsible for up to 25% of the erroneous blow-outs.
Current government advice suggests that all children who fall within the demographic should be wrapped in fireproof blankets to prevent the spread of fire and should be quarantined in an area free of a broadband connection.
Parents are reminded of the potential dangers of so-called “smart” mobile phones which are able to grant access to the internet. A US/UK government task force is currently deploying quarantine units in the centre of all major cities, where laptops, tablets and phones can be deposited for safe-keeping.
So far, the UN has stopped short of declaring a State of Emergency and the British Medical Association & World Health Organisation have both moved to deny the existence of Biebergeddon, suggesting that the heightened state of alert is a result of tabloid scaremongering and that the actual numbers of spontaneous combustions are in the tens rather than the hundreds of thousands, as reported by major news organisations.
To all citizens of the world we say only this: stay safe out there & All Hail Our Dormice Overlords!
