Christmas is promoted over summer these days, since stupid capitalism got involved. They say it’s the most wonderful time of the year and who are we to disagree? Children throw strops when their parents won’t buy them a games console to replace last year’s outdated model whilst long lost relatives crawl out the woodwork looking for presents.
But the most irritatingly thing about Christmas isn’t the dry turkey or lack of birthday cake for Jesus with its 2000+ candles – it’s the awful music.
Crusty rockers such as Slade cash-in on royalties as TV and radio stations lazily play a variety of supposedly feel good hits that get us in the mood for eating and drinking ’til we get diabetes. Recent years have seen X-Factor contestants pester us with songs that usually take the number one position, but if that wasn’t enough to make you upset, Justin Bieber has decided to release his own Christmas album. We think we can hear baby Jesus driving nails into his hands again.
It’s a shame that Jesus is dead, because we’d love to see what sort of songs he’d put on a compilation, or even spin in a nightclub under the alias of DJ J-Suss. Perhaps a religious cult is hoping that Justin Bieber’s angelic like voice will trigger the return of our lord saviour, returning to planet Earth so he command the world’s superheroes. Batman and Superman must surely be the equivalent of community support officers, filling in for Jesus until he’s back on the beat.
Like many artists before him, we imagine that Justin Bieber will take a batch of archaic hymns and carols, giving them a modern day twist. By that, he’ll add a tinny sounding beat, a cheap and nasty melody that could be created on a poundshop keyboard and add a dash of pointless rapping with those bastard sleigh bells.
Regardless of this album sounding worse than a Cher Lloyd and Olly Murs collaboration, Bieber lovers will no doubt be flocking to snap up the record when it’s released, or opening it as a gift on Christmas day.
For any mortified parent reading this and hoping we’re talking our usual rubbish, you’ll be sad to know that news of a Justin Bieber album came straight from the mouth of the foetus itself. Using Twitter, he or one of his minions posted:
“So it’s true…been in the studio doing something special for Christmas. We are going to try and raise a lot of money this year for charity!”
As yet, the charity hasn’t yet been announced, but due to Justin Bieber still being a child and believing in Christmas creations like Santa, he’ll no doubt be investing any money raised in a course to teach reindeer how to fly. Just so they can be like Rudolph and all of his other merry chums that deliver us shoddily made goods each time the 25th December rolls round.
Or it’ll be put into a secret offshore bank account that Bieber will use to fund his heroin habit when times get bad.
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Source: Hecklerspray Justin Bieber
